Joey Who?

Well, it's been another grueling week: Shopping, workouts, meetings, massages, couple of dates, one with a sweet Brazilian actress with the cutest accent! I love those! Wait...don't I have a job doing something? Oh, yeh, that! Somebody calls me, I show up, get to talk to a group of very nice people for an hour or two and clock out. Sometimes I even get to do an interview with someone or sell some books. I have an amazing God. Had the privilege of being interviewed once more by Donnamarie Recco and Greg Horvath over at www.Letstalkrecovery.com radio about ten days ago. I'm always amazed by the extraordinary people who come into my life and the wealth they bring into it: Donnamarie with her deeply layered intellect and loving heart, and Greg with his big, gentle, yet powerful spirit. Once you've been in a room with these people for an hour you know you have to go back for more. So I was doing the show and someone suggested I come by the following week and meet one of the station's new hosts, Joey Buttafuoco. "Joey Who?" I said, "you mean the guy...that had.... and then the...?" Well sure enough, THAT's the guy! Mr. Buttafuoco is now hosting his own show over at LTR. You might've heard the news on CNN or ET already. So I say, "Yeh, why not". So, this past Wednesday I drop in and meet the big man himself. And when I say "Big" I mean this is a big, powerful guy. Not someone you want to have mad at you. But I stick my hand out and introduce myself and Joey looks up at me with those crystal clear, piercing blue eyes and says, "hey, howya' doin'?" Now I don't know who Joey Buttafuoco used to be, all the details surrounding the events which turned his life into a media sideshow and got him vilifeid in the press. I suspicion that it turned on one of, or a series of the most human of mistakes. (it's odd, you can launch an evil, worthless war and be President, but, do any number of lesser things and you're bound to die at the stake in this country) Anyway, Only Joey and those invloved know all the details, but I know that the man I met is NOT the man whom was portrayed to us all those years ago. The guy I met was full of love and warmth and a kind of clarity that is absolutely moving. I could just feel it emanating from him. And believe me, after fifteen years in prison I have a finely tuned visceral sense of who people are at their core. This is an extraordinary person who's here to perform extraordinary work of some kind, and maybe he's already doing it. When you encounter these people in life it's a spiritual experience if you're attuned to, and listening for it. I gave Mr. Buttafuoco a copy of my book and we had a nice talk. I really enjoyed sharing time with him and hope to do so again someday, and I don't say that about everyone. Joey who? That's Mr. Joey Buttafuoco. Hiya' pal!
And the beat goes on. Been doing a little freelance writing for Razor Eye Media. Turned in about 2000 words last month on how the average citizen can protect themselves from identity theft. Can you imagine? Every day it seems like God gives me an opportunity to turn all my negatives into positives! They liked this article so much they commisioned me to write three more for 'em. I've really been enjoying the redwood deck off my bedroom in the morning. In one direction I have a beautiful view of the Hollywood Hills. In the other, the bucolic little neighborhood in which I'm allowed to live. There's a pair of red tree squirrels who frolic and cavort with each other just feet away from me as they begin their day. There are hummingbirds and a community of tiny finches who live out most of their days within, or close to one big Jacaranda bush. Life has taken on an amazing quality for me. Is life just MORE extraordinary now? or, has it ALWAYS been this way, and it's me who's changed, me who's now capable of seeing just how miraculous it is? Well, probably a little of both, which is usually the case in most things dontcha' think? Check in again soon friends. I'm sure I'll have something interesting to share. Oh, and it'll help if we all stay sober between now and then!

"and I'm hangin' on to all that I hold dear, and I'm lettin' go of whatever I fear."
Vertical Horizon

Dangerous

When I was 21 I was dangerous. Now I'm just middle aged.

Upside Down and Backwards

Last week I made a trek from HOLLYwood out to INGLEwood. "But why", you ask? Well, I'm gonna' tell ya'. on Tuesday the 29th I will be giving a youth drug abuse prevention seminar to the kids and teachers at Inlgewood High School. Now some of the more solvent schools and groups can, and have paid me quite handsomly for this one hour presentation. But this school is really struggling, as many others are and I just didn't want to turn 'em down. The kids out there still need what I got and I don't think it's right to ignore them just because their school can't pay. Evenso, I still have to eat, and I can't keep giving away prevention books which cost me at least $3.00 each to print. So, I decided I would go over there and petition the business community to sponsor my little show. The kids get the seminar and the books, the businesses get some good PR, and I get to keep eatin' beenie-weenies for lunch! Its a win-win for everyone. So I went over there and laid down my pitch. Spent two days going from place to place, group to group. One of my stops was at the Police Department. I know what you're thinking, "Ha, bet they arrested your dumb ass!" Well, in a word: "No". In fact I had a great meeting with the Lead Officer of the Community Affairs Division, Officer Robert Cavasos. We had such a great talk during which he expressed great admiration for what I was doing and offered his support! He said he would, in addition get me a meeting with his Commander so I could talk to her about speaking to all of their community Block Groups! Wow huh? One of my next stops was at Broadway Federal Bank where I spoke with the Branch Manager, Clark Smith. Mr. Smith read the material I brought with me and said he would run it by their coporate Marketing division and get back to me. "Yeh, o.k", I thought, "let it go and don't hold your breath". Few days go by, and then Friday evening I get a call from Mr Smith. The good news is that Broadway Federal Bank has decided to give me a Grant to conitnue my work and are sending Mr. Smith out to the school to hear the seminar and hand me a check! "So", you're probably asking, "The police that used to arrest you for robbing the banks who are now paying you are instead, now supporting you in the communities they protect"? Well, in a word: "Yes". See what I mean when I say, "I Live a magical life." I'm not just saying that. I live a magical life where miracles happen . Over and over again. All I do is show up and do my part. What amazes me so is that for so many years I was engaged in full scale pursuit of personal gratification and wealth, and even got pretty close some times. And yet, I know now that back then I had it all upside down. All upside down and backwards. The reality is the more I am in service to this world, the more it GIVES me. I don't have to TAKE it. All I have to do is give what I have to offer and the rest is already arranged for me in perfect order, rightside up, forwards, not backwards.

Whadya' Do When Your Massage Therapist Breaks UP With You?

The day began with a splitting headache. One of those that starts down at the base of my neck and shoulders and radiates, no, penetrates into the center of my brain like a hot knife. Worked out hard the day before, muscle sorenes, tension, pain. "Gotta go get a massage today", I tell myself. But first, it's off to a meeting and then work. Work: Nose buried in a computer screen, typing loan agreements, sending emails, designing print ads, learning about "search strings", tracking web traffick on my admin. page and blah, blah, blah. So tedious. I'm just not feelin' it today. Technology has never been my forte. I find it's learning and use a bit of a challenge. I always enjoy my time more if it's spent involved with other people, and yet, I'm not really up for THAT either today. But none of this is the real issue. Last night I learned that the two guys I was in tretament with BOTH relapsed, and, one of them had a stroke. Both of them had more time than I do and I thought they were o.k. It's scarey. The monster lies in wait, hideous, insidous, deadly devil. To top that off, I also learned that someone whom I thought was a close friend had some ulterior stuff going on that I didn't know about, and, which may make impossible any continued friendship. I'm delfated, my sobriety dampened, the luster knocked off my world like cheap, gold plating. Is this what happenes when "Life" shows up? Yeh, I guess it just is. What does one do when everything one thinks is true turns out to be false? I don't know. what I DO know is that I need a massage. I pick up the phone, dial the number. "Carmen? Can you work me in about two-thirty? I ask. "No" she says, "I'm moving to another practice, didn't you get my email?" "Email, what email?", I cry out! "The one I sent everyone... I'm moving to another practice, and yada, yada, yada." I hear nothing after "moving to another practice" and my mind launches into MY version of what I think she's saying to me. "She's breaking up with me!" "What am I gonna' do?" "It took me months to find just the right touch", and, "yada, yada, yada." I'm pulled from my internal dialogue by her voice: "Craig." "Craig?" "Uh-huh", I mumble. "You can come in Friday to my new office, o.k.?" she says. "Yeh, yeh, sure, sure, Two 'o clock" I reply. "Thanks Carmen." Click. "Well, I could go to someone else today, get some immediate relief", I think. "No, I can wait. New therapist, fifty bucks, probably wouldn't even do it right", I answer myself. Whew! That was close. Thought I was really losing something there for a minute. And so it is, was, with my two friends who lost their sobriety, and with my other friend who has, all along viewed me in a light I don't welcome, nor do I share. I have no control over what others do, feel, think or see. All I can do is be my most authentic self, be honest, give love and and hope for the best. And sometimes when I think I'm losing something its really just changing shape, form and texture, and also entirely out of my control. So I dropped in on my buddy, Mike N. down at Lucy's El Adobe today for lunch, and I ask him, "Hey Mike, whadya' do when your massage therapist breaks up with you?" "I dunno, what?" he replies. "Sometimes Mike, the best thing to do is absolutely NOTHING" I say.

Who The #!*@!$#!* Blew Up Hollywood Blvd...or, Who's Jimmy Choos are Under My Bed...or, Whatever!

Back in my old apartment as of last night. So many memories. But I seem to have slipped right back into it like a familiar old garment. My things, my space. So, it's out to the donut shop around the corner for my coffee early this morning and the first thing I see from the front steps is that Hollywood Blvd. looks like someone dropped a bomb on it last night! It's gone, er, well it's dirt now and there's these big trucks running up and down and bulldozers and...what the !#&*$#! happened ? Is this WWIII?! Then I realize they're just doing road construction and then my next thought is, "Why the !#&%^$ didn't they tell me?! As if I am so significant that the City of Los Angeles would send me a special notice to advise me of the pending mess. I have to laugh at myself, as I know you will.

Back inside, swilling the java, and, "wait, who's shoes are these under my bed?" "Women's shoes, Jimmy Choos no less, must be four hundered bucks! "Who the hell left these here?" I look 'em over, black high heels, "evening wear" I think. What woman would flee so hastily from my apartment that she would leave behind a pair of shoes like this? And more importantly, "why".

"Was it me"? "Or maybe my disgusting bathroom." Listen up guys, nothing will drive a woman from your arms faster than a filthy bathroom. And believe me, when a woman goes to the bathroom it's never just to pee. It has a three-fold purpose, the first being to pee. The second is a two part fact finding mission. First of all she's looking for evidence of another woman; contact lens fluid, (and she knows you don't wear contacts), "feminine" products, one too many toothbrushes, or "Secret" deoderant. The second thing she's looking for is filth. Filthy bathroom and you're done. It tells her all she needs to know about you and your romantic future together, which will be zero if you have a filthy bathroom. And be sure to get the walls and BEHIND the toilet...and always lift the seat when you pee and put it back down when you leave so as to provide a soft, inviting perch for her pretty little rump when she returns to pee again and search your medicine cabinet. I know, sooo much to remember.

But back to the shoes..."Oh, I remember the girl...and the fight." "Honey, you've got me fucked up with that weenie you were dating before me, the one you spent most of your time scraping off the bottom of those Jimmy Choos... the one who put up with it. " "Like I'm gonna' let YOU dictate my life?!" "Puh-lease" "Can't we just be who we are and get along." "No, you fucker!"

So much for that. God that was only three months ago. Seems like a whole 'nother lifetime ago now.

I hate"dating". I enjoy the discovery part of it, the finding out who the other person is, the unlayering, the slow revelation. But what I really like is the other side of that, the comfort and ease of just being with someone whom I enjoy, who makes me laugh and smile, who tantalizes my mind and curiosity, someone who "gets" me and is comfortable being loved.

I'm getting motivated to start looking around again. I just don't want any high drama. Why can't women be more like men? I want a woman who's in touch with the little girl inside of her, a woman who's down to earth, but smart. That mind being the sexiest thing of all. A woman who has her own life and knows how to live it without needing me to fit into it PERFECTLY and spend every waking moment together, someone who trusts me and knows I trust her and who doesn't have to be in full make-up and Jimmy Choos every moment, who already knows that she's the most beautiful thing in the world to me.

What I need is a full-time, "part-time" girlfriend who will let me do what I gotta' do and support me in THAT without trying to change me into some trendy, stereotypical, LA party scene asshole who's more worried about HIS hair than she is! Although , I sure like wearing my black, Bill Blass blazer and slacks. Most of the time I just want to wear my favorite pair of jeans and scuffed up work boots three days in a row!

I need a woman who likes and loves who I AM, right now. Who wants to share the spiritual journey of who we're both becoming as we travel THAT road together.

Oh, I almost forgot, we're in LA. Good Luck with that.

Women! Well, guys, if you are fortunate enough to find yourself in companionship with one of these beautiful, complex, precious, resilient and delicate creatures hang onto her, albeit loosely
and don't sweat it if she gains a couple 'o pounds or has a strange little quirk. Sometimes a woman's beauty is defined by her imperfections. Just be glad you're not out here "dating" in fucking LA again like me, and finding Jimmy Choos under your bed. Let the adventure begin.

I gotta' go rescue Hollywood Boulevard and clean my bathroom.

Invisible Thread

So, I keep getting these letters and posts from people all over the country whom I've never met talking about how my book changed their lives or helped them in some way! Wow!

Last night I was talking with a group of people and someone brought up how we deal with loss and so on and I started talking about losing my mother and father so close together. When people bring this kind of stuff up it really opens the wound. Still fresh. So I'm talking and I look over and the poor girl next to me is wiping away tears, and I'm patting her on the back thinking, "oh crap, look what you've done now Craig".

So Mother's day has passed and mine is gone from this earth, but she still speaks to me through others. I have these two really great women in my life, surrogate mothers, or sisters really, who care for me in a way that's very special. Thanks M. and N. And even a couple of men who've taken a fatherly kind of role in my life. I hear my Mother's and Father's voices in these people at times, and when I do I smile just a little knowing that they're o.k., and I'm o.k., and that we're still connected by the invisible thread that connects us all.

I got to honor them yesterday by helping this kid who was just seven days clean and homeless and messed up and needing something to hold onto. I did what I could for him and I hope it was enough. Today, I have EXACTLY the life my parents wished for me, the life they tried to teach me how to live, and I know they see that now. Well, There's a couple other things they would have liked for me, but...well, they're just gonna' have to be patient. Hi Mom and Dad.